Fluffy mackerel pudding

For your next holiday dinner party, pass on the turkey or roast beef.

Instead, treat your guests to fluffy mackerel pudding, thanks to Weight Watchers circa 1974.

I would hotlink the picture, but it's just too frightening.

Holiday malaise, with cute bunnies

I'm not so big on seasonal affective disorder or holiday blues (besides, it's sunny!), but this video sums up my melancholy rather well:



Plus, bunnies are cute.

'Tis the frickin' season, I guess

It's quite simple: if I see another commercial for inexpensive diamond jewelry that will guarantee nasty lovemaking from your spouse, I will put my foot through the television.



Enough said. Really, every time a woman goes apeshit over dimaond jewelry, somewhere, a feminist loses her wings. Think about it.

Wish I'd thought of this

This was a great little distraction from packing for the big move. It combines several of my favorite things in the world: skewering hallowed traditions, bad white man dancing, and breasts.



Of course, even if I had thought of this, I'm not married and not in any danger of getting married soon. In all likelihood, by the time I do get married (if, perhaps), the Zeitgeist will have long since moved on from this (still, it's got almost 5 million hits as of posting time).

Have a nice day

Random happiness, for a change:


moar funny pictures

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Karl Rove is either (a) a somewhat-high-functioning psychotic, or (b) so accustomed to lying that it comes as naturally to him as a morning whizz. For those not in the know, he is now claiming that the Bush Administration did not want the Iraq war vote to happen in the fall of 2002 because it would be "too political" or some such crap. Watch the clip in the above link. It's unintentional hilarity.

To one hell of a dog

We'll miss you.


Molly
??? - November 26, 2007

Lost in a hedge maze

My worst fear, played out on video:


Crave Online: Funny Videos, Sexy Videos, Music Videos, Movie Trailers, and More!

Honor the turkey

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!!!

I like Will Ferrell's version better

Neil Diamond has finally revealed the subject of his song "Sweet Caroline."

It's this chick.

Honestly, I prefer this version of the story:



As long as we're talking about Neil, here's the only part of Saving Silverman that was at all clever:



Diamonds in the Rough rule.

Cause for my absence

I haven't been blogging much of late, once again. I've been in the process of looking for a new Cryptic PhilosoPad. More news to follow, although it won't be as fancy as some I've looked at.

Still sucking after all these years

I had noticed, back in the late '90s and early '00s, when I still attended Beer Bike reunions, that the students at my old digs were slipping in their graffiti obligations (NOTE: If you have never been to Lovett College, you probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.) It's good to see that Wikipedia has immortalized the Cobb graffiti for internet posterity.

Lovett '97. Boat racing rules.

I must be slipping...shit

Omaha Dating

I only pulled an "R" rating, based on the words "dead," "bitch" and "hell."

I will therefore now recite the Lovett Cheer, from my old college days. That ought to raise the bar a bit.

The text is shrunken down, for the kids' sake, you know?

Cock suck, mother fuck, eat a bag of shit.
Cunt hair, douche bag, suck your mother's tit.
We are the best college, all the others suck.
Edgar Odell Lovett, rah rah fuck!

According to the Wikipedia post, this is Rice's "only officially University-banned cheer." What the fuck's up with that?

It's gonna suck, but I don't care.

I just learned of the sequel to Alien vs. Predator coming out on Christmas day (interesting choice.)

The original Alien vs. Predator, while highly disappointing, really sucked, but dammit, I'm still excited.

I think it's the 5-year-old in me who wasn't allowed to see the original when it came out who's most excited.

"So, it's not a negligee situation or anything..."

Interesting compilation on how Fox News uses sexual images more than is strictly necessary:



What really gets me is the utterly unrelated footage of Daytona Beach party girls during a report on a serial killer targeting women in Daytona (about 2:30 in).

Okay, it's irrelevant unless their point is that the serial killer is there because of the debauchery. Sorry, but Jason Voorhees, "that ever-vigilant enforcer of William Bennett-style values," already took care of that, thank you much.

Anyway, my point is that Fox News sucks and Bill O'Reilley is an asshole.

When insults had class

Copied wholesale from an e-mail forward. I'm not sure that some of these quotes are correctly attributed, but I'm too lazy to do the research right now.

-----------------------

When insults had class.

These insults are mostly from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E.
Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Let's all point at Tom and laugh, now

This article is rather short on details, but apparently Tom DeLay was laughed at during his dire warning about a Hillary Clinton presidency during a speech in England.

Not that I'm a huge Hillary Clinton fan, but it's always nice to see ol' Tom knocked down a few pegs.

Have the girls gone too wild?

Judge for yourself.

Halloween Crappy-Film-Fest Roundup, 2007

My typical Halloween tradition, in lieu of braving the slutty-nurses-on-6th-Street scene, is to rent a few crappy horror movies and then bitch about them. Now that I have a blog, I can bitch to the whole world! And besides, Halloween is such a liberal holiday, don't you think?

A quick side note: in my opinion, there is only a handful of genuinely good horror movies, but that is a subject for a future post.

This year's set consisted of 28 Weeks Later, The Insatiable, and Flight of the Living Dead. Watch out for spoilers up ahead.

1. 28 Weeks Later.

Let me first say that 28 Days Later (2003) is probably going to be included in my list of good horror films, whenever I get around to writing it. The sequel seemed to have all the components of a good action movie, but the whole is somehow less than the sum of its parts. Here's what the original had going for it: a gritty, low-budget look that somehow made it more real to the viewer; and real characters that the audience got to know and care about. A good sequel needs to do at least one of the following: (1) delve deeper into the characters first introduced in the original, or (2) continue the story begun in the original in a gripping and intelligent way. A good sequel does at least one of these (e.g. the "Dirty Harry" sequels), while a great sequel does both (e.g. Godfather 2, Aliens). A bad sequel does neither (e.g. The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions).

28 Weeks Later has exactly none of the original cast returning, so there is no delving to be done. Does it continue the story intelligently? Let's see--Americans enter Great Britain to start the reconstruction process once all the "zombies" have starved to death, allowing Brits to return to controlled areas a few dozen at a time. One survivor turns out to be a Typhoid Mary for the rage virus, she infects her husband, he infects a few people, the military starts shooting and blowing up everything that moves, and it is difficult to remember what the various characters' names are or what they are doing. So I guess the answer is no. The movie also wastes several highly underrated but very talented actors (e.g. Rose Byrne, Idris Elba), and uses its one almost-big-name actor (Robert Carlyle) as a Patient Zero (so he has very little dialogue except grunting.)

All in all, very disappointing. The special effects, given the grittiness of the original, were actually too good. If we learned anything at all from Blair Witch 2, sometimes a big budget is not a good thing.

Here's what I would've done: After holing up in a remote farmhouse for several months, the leads from the original (Cillian Murphy as Jim, Naomie Harris as Selena, and a more grown-up Hannah played by Sienna Guillory) lead a NATO expeditionary team back into post-apocalypse London, braving the few stragglers who somehow managed to survive, and facing the mutated, airborne version of the rage virus. Eventually, they have to blow up a bunch of shit, but we (the audience) actually care if one of them gets blown up as well. I'm working on a screenplay. It will be as if this last sequel never happened (cf. Halloween H20).

2. The Insatiable.

First, you have to believe that one of the original Boondock Saints is a pathetic loner, which is about as likely as Sandra Bullock or Rachel Leigh Cook being pathetic loners. Must be a movie thing.

Next, you have to believe he can steal $32,000 worth of equipment from his place of work to build a steel cage in the basement of his (rented) apartment building, that no one else will find.

The point of all this is that he traps a ridiculously hot female vampire in the cage and then tries to keep her alive by feeding her rabbits.

He also has a ridiculously hot blonde neighbor who is always flirting with him and inviting him over for dinner. Of course, when you think he has finally come to his senses and tries to kiss her, she becomes enraged, leaving him with no one except the hot vampire.

The only particularly memorable scene is the denouement, after he has allowed hot vampire to bite him. We see that she has niot killed him, but rather turned him. He knocks on blonde neighbor's door and asks "Are you ready to feed me now?"

Hardly a progressive ending, but I guess the nerd wins out in the end. All in all, this movie was crap--Netflix said I might like it, presumably because I told it I like vampire movies.

3. Flight of the Living Dead.

Maybe the funniest part is that I am not making this up--this movie actually exists. It's basically 28 Days Later meets Executive Decision, except Steven Seagal doesn't die in this one, alas.

I actually quite enjoyed this one. It doesn't take itself seriously, it is actually fairly well-paced, the acting is suprisingly good, and it didn't strain credibility any further than was absolutely necessary. I went into this one with perhaps the lowest expectations (I still have not seen last year's highly anticipated movie with the snakes, but I hear it didn't go over so well), so maybe I am just filtering it through that sort of lens. But really, it has the bully from the 80's classic Three O'Clock High playing a TSA agent, and the old guy from "Heroes" plays a sort-of mad scientist character who gets his face ripped off.

Horror movies (here I go making a list again) should do one of two things: (1) scare hell out of us in thoughtful, unexpected ways (e.g. Psycho, The Exorcist); or (2) entertain us with not-to-be-taken-too-seriously scary hijinks (e.g. Halloween). This one accomplished goal #2 in abundance.

I have to give my award for best crappy horror movie for Halloween 2007 to Flight of the Living Dead. Sorry, British zombies.

Juveniles among us

Elizabeth Kucinich has a tongue stud, and her husband wouldn't be afraid to conduct actual, you know, diplomacy to protect the nation.

Works for me.

Yet the tongue thing freaks people out, apparently. Grow the f*** up.

Is there anybody alive out there?

Clear Channel won't let its radio stations play any new Bruce Springsteen songs. Their voyage to irrelevance continues.

More cuteness

Couldn't resist sharing:

Why aren't you more frightened, dammit???

Just in case you forgot about the mortal threat to our precious bodily fluids, David Horowitz, Ann Coulter, Rick Santorum (who has some free time these days, it would seem), et al are presenting "Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week" this week.

Do I even need to make a joke here?

I just want to hear some rhythm

In case you didn't know, Bruce Springsteen still rocks.



Suck it, emo music.

Patty Scialfa is also still hot, IMHO.

Today's extraneous history lesson

The largest nuclear explosion in human history occurred on July 10, 1961, in Novaya Zemlya, an island chain in the Arctic Ocean north of Russia. It was ten times more powerful than all the bombs dropped in World War II combined.



Just thought you'd like to know.

The Swedes are coming for you...

As I was embarking on a trip through the local IKEA store yesterday, I happened upon a scene that made the very red of my oh-so-American blood boil...



A Swedish flag, flying at the same level as the Texas flag. AND the American flag.

As we all know from my comments on a nutjob in Reno who committed criminal mischief, it is illegal to fly another nation's flag even with the Stars and Stripes.

As we also all know from my comments on how the War on Terror has made us all incredibly stupid, IKEA was recently the setting for an alleged-attempted terror attack by drunken joggers.

Now my crack investigation skills have revealed the following chilling information:

• Sweden is a kingdom, so they must be hostile to democracy, right?
  
• Sweden once ruled a large empire, considered a world power.
  
• This mighty empire sought and obtained overseas colonies.
  
• IKEA products are often strange and off-putting.

I can only conclude the following: Sweden is conducting a covert campaign to conquer and colonize America. We must fight IKEA at every turn--could it be possible that, if you assemble the parts correctly, a trained Swedish operative disguised as a helpful IKEA employee could construct, say, a tank?

Beware, America, for the TYLÖSAND conquest may be soon at hand! Can I get a "Hell ja"?

Dixie-Chicking

Truthdig has a great piece on the modern-day equivalent of blacklisting, now known in some circles as "Dixie-Chicking":

[A]ll hell broke loose after Maines’ on-stage comment made the media rounds. The Chicks lost most of their airtime on right-leaning country western radio; CD and concert ticket sales plummeted. Egged on by reactionary FreeRepublic.com bloggers and DJs, ex-fans destroyed Chicks CDs en masse during the ensuing “Dixie Chicks Destruction” campaign. Concerts were picketed by red-baiters who called the Chicks “traitors” and “communists,” although the group’s fans were divided, and some remained loyal. Worst of all, bomb-sniffing dogs and metal detectors were deployed at Dixie Chicks concerts. Under heavy security, the Texas trio confronted a 2003 death threat at a Dallas performance, after a letter threatened to shoot Maines in the same city where JFK had been gunned down 40 years earlier. For his part, President Bush appeared to egg on the Chicks’ persecutors, saying: “They shouldn’t have their feelings hurt just because some people don’t want to buy their records.”

As best I can recall, most of the backlash against the Dixie Chicks was juvenile at best ("chicken toss" parties??? Grow up, folks.) A now-amusing comment from April 2003:

Apparently Maines didn't learn much after the September 11 attacks. The American people have become much more patriotic, and while there are many opinions about the war in Iraq, there are also many casualties for those that speak out on subjects that are considered by many as un-American.

Seeing as how America was founded through the ultimate act of protest (not that I'm advocating armed rebellion per se), it can hardly hurt to have a trio of singers state an opinion (one that has been rather, uh, vindicated by the ensuing 4 1/2 years of events, I dare say). Most of the complaints against the Dixie Chicks, judging from the documentary "Shut Up & Sing," centered on their lack of patriotism and/or their stupidity.

Well, as for their patriotism, as we all learned during the Clinton impeachment, this is a nation of laws, not men, so criticism of any sitting president is not the same as criticism of America. And criticism of America is not always a bad thing. As for the stupidity comments, I'll just say that (a) the Dixie Chicks are hella-good songwriters and performers, and (b) George W. Bush once said this:

My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions.

History will decide.



BTW, Ted Nugent is still a pussy.

Back after a spell

To quote Bob Schneider:

It took me some time I must confess
For a while there I was feeling less than my best

Now that I'm back in form, let me take a moment to reassure Natalie Portman: it's okay to be naked. Really.

A voice of reason on the animal shelter "debate"

Here's John Kelso on the city's animal shelter "debate":

[I]f you can't put up with the hassle of driving a few miles out to heck and gone to find the dog pound, you probably shouldn't be allowed to take a dog.

Yes, he's being sardonic, but he has a point. I am a bit confused by the public outcry going on now about the plan to move the city's animal shelter (yes, technically it's a pound, but I don't like that word) to a new location in east Austin, away from its present location next to Town Lake (hence the name "Town Lake Animal Center"). There seem to be reasonable arguments for and against the plan, but the city (i.e. the voters) already voted on it last November (although, to be fair, the animal shelter is the last thing listed on the last of seven propositions--volunteers at the shelter worried that the proposition wouldn't pass because of this hidden placement).

Take that, Vegemite!

And to think this was made by people trying to sell this product!

Chest Cushion - Spew Tastic

See more like this on kontraband.com

If you've ever tried this or Vegemite, you'll understand. Sorry, Australia, your food sucks (although Marmite is actually British--it still sucks).

Worst apology ever

I don't know what the hell this is or where it came from, but frathole apologies are hilarious.

Best Chick Apology Ever

See more like this on kontraband.com

In memory of a friend

A close friend of my family from my childhood died Sunday in a small plane crash outside of Castroville, Texas. They believe she was flying (it was her plane), but the actual cause may not be known for a long time.

She and I had not been in touch for a long time. I had only seen her once in the past 15 years or so, almost exactly one year ago at my sister's wedding. She's just the kind of person where you know the world is a better place because she is in it.

At the very least, to the extent any consolation can come to those who remember her, she died doing something she absolutely loved (flying) with someone she cared about. Maybe, looking at the sum of a person's life and the people they touched while they were here, that is enough.

So long, Susan. I will miss you.

Favorite animated short ever

I just wanted to share this as well. It won't brighten your day at all, but it is a worthwhile experience.

I discover "brick films"

As discussed in today's WSJ, there is a whole world of short films starring LEGO's out there. I'm just amazed at how deep this one is:

Amusing impropriety

Carshow Prevert

See more like this on kontraband.com

And now something altogether different

You've seen something cute, now see something strange: a donkey toting a pouch full of lambs.

The secrets of the universe may lie within this picture

It may also lead to world peace. Seriously, how can anyone (not currently suffering from third-degree burns) be angry, sad, or moribund while looking at this?

A nation of pants-piddlers

Great article by Rick Perlstein on America's inability to confront anything scary.

Squeal like a pig, Rush

This won't change anyone's mind, as I think opinions are probably entrenched by now, but it's still funny.

Exactly one word on the Britney Spears debacle

Damn!

Soldiers make better right-wing props when they don't speak

I wonder (rhetorical question alert) if it occurred to Rush Limbaugh, in the midst of his bizarre rant involving Iraq veteran Brian McGough and VoteVets.org, that McGough might actually, you know, respond? Not that it changes anything about how these douchebags bloviate. Here's what McGough said (h/t War Room):

I stood in the sand, snow, dirt, mud and dust of both Afghanistan and Iraq. I spent over a week on a side of a mountain in Afghanistan during Operation Anaconda. I received The Bronze Star medal for my actions during that battle. I crossed the border into Iraq with the first wave of the 101st Airborne. I sustained an open head injury on the streets of Mosul after a vehicle borne IED exploded next to the vehicle I was riding in. I have seen the aftermath of a real suicide bomber. I had loved ones who died in the 9/11 attacks. I have friends and colleagues who returned from the war in body bags. How dare you call someone like me a phony soldier and a suicide bomber?

Only someone truly, deeply evil can continue to smear someone like this. Apparently Rush will be on Bill O'Reilly's show soon.

They're trying to make our country better, dammit

Spouses of servicemembers are being deported. It seems like a no-brainer to me that people serving overseas shouldn't have to also be fighting immigration battles here. The counter-argument-that-wasn't that CNN offers from Mark Krikorian of the Center for Immigration Studies is less than convincing--he pretty much just calls the idea another amnesty that's "ridiculous" or some equally unhelpful word. The soldier in question states it so bluntly that all immigration critics should be ashamed: "I'm trying to make this country--my country--better."

So let's lay this situation out. An individual volunteers for military service and goes overseas, most likely to Iraq or Afghanistan, to take part in "the defining struggle of our time." Back home, that person's spouse is facing deportation for one or more administrative reasons (note that the woman in the CNN report linked above came here "illegally" when she was five years old. Her children are most likely U.S. citizens, assuming they were born here.) These deportations are supported mostly by people who are not taking part in "the greatest force for liberation that humankind has ever known," and who do not stand to lose anything personally by supporting such proceedings.

This is, to put it as mildly as I am capable, bullshit.

To judge from his ever-so-brief Wikipedia biography, Mark Krikorian has never served a day in uniform (if I'm wrong, I'll take it back, just let me know). He argues here that there are no jobs that Americans "won't do," so there's no need to import foreign labor (i.e. for the shit jobs like scrubbing toilets that pay so little no American will do it). Again, I doubt he has ever scrubbed a toilet in his life. And lest this seem like an irrelevant ad hominem attack, keep in mind that this guy's whole argument boils down to knowledge of human behavior and human nature (i.e. "Sure, Americans will be happy to mow lawns and wash dishes for pennies an hour! How do I know? Uh, because I'm an American!") While there is a certain populist appeal to the idea that no work should be "beneath" Americans, it is the messenger I doubt more than the message. Show me that you are willing to do the heavy lifting, Mr. Krikorian, and maybe I'll start to believe you.

In the meantime, for fuck's sake stop deporting soldiers' spouses!!! Give them something to fight for, dammit!

Turns out this actually is against the law

CNN has a report on a veteran in Reno, NV who took offense to a Mexican flag flying above the U.S. flag over a local store, and took it upon himself to remove the offending flag (although from the video, it looks like he removed both.)

It turns out that it actually is against federal law to fly another flag higher than, or even adjacent to, the U.S. flag, except in certain circumstances. It's in Title 4, Chapter 1 of the U.S. Code (the collected, codified federal statutes). Section 7 provides as follows:

(c) No other flag or pennant should be placed above or, if on the same level, to the right of the flag of the United States of America, except during church services conducted by naval chaplains at sea, when the church pennant may be flown above the flag during church services for the personnel of the Navy. No person shall display the flag of the United Nations or any other national or international flag equal, above, or in a position of superior prominence or honor to, or in place of, the flag of the United States at any place within the United States or any Territory or possession thereof: Provided, That nothing in this section shall make unlawful the continuance of the practice heretofore followed of displaying the flag of the United Nations in a position of superior prominence or honor, and other national flags in positions of equal prominence or honor, with that of the flag of the United States at the headquarters of the United Nations. (Emphasis added)

The thing is, the U.S. Code does not seem to prescribe any particular criminal penalty for violating this section (although I didn't look all that hard.) I do know that one of my former law partners once defended a guy charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor in Texas (unless the damage is greater than $1,500), for doing the exact same thing here in Austin (i.e. tearing down a Mexican flag he deemed offensive). So please, don't go running around tearing down any non-U.S. flags you see.

I just can't seem to get all worked up about the Mexican flag, though. I do remember being bemused by people protesting the immigration issue with Mexican and other flags (although much of this may have been overblown.) Maybe it's my Texas heritage (we've beat 'em before, we can do it again, or something like that). Maybe it's a failure of patriotism. Maybe it's just that there are far, far bigger threats to the U.S. than the position of our flag on the streets of the Biggest Little City in the World.

Say it ain't so, Judge Kent!

I am troubled to hear of the various calls for the investigation and impeachment of Judge Sam Kent, a federal district judge sitting in Galveston, Texas. Not out of any particular affection for the man himself, as we have never met. Nor is it out of any particular interest in the rights of alleged sexual harrassers, although I am reserving judgment until I read more about what allegedly occurred. Rather, I will miss the opportunity to read some of the snarkiest, most inappropriately sarcastic rulings and opinions in the history of the federal court system. First off, the allegations: the Fifth Circuit has already issued a reprimand:

The reprimand against Kent says a court employee complained in May of sexual harassment and that an investigation led to other, unspecified complaints. The order issued last Friday didn’t say whether the 19 judges on the council determined the complaints to be true.

The list of ethical complaints beyond the harrassment is, uh, long.

If even a fraction of these are true, then investigation and possible impeachment are certainly appropriate. I merely want to take a moment to salute the man who singlehandedly, and quite facetiously, made the federal judiciary fun.

I now present Kent's greatest hits, as I see them.

• In Smith v. Colonial Penn Ins. Co., Kent denied the insurance company's motion to transfer venue to Houston because of Galveston's lack of a major airport (and citing the convenience of both plaintiff and defendant in its motion), stating that "it is not this Court's concern how the Plaintiff gets here, whether it be by plane, train, automobile, horseback, foot, or on the back of a huge Texas jackrabbit, as long as Plaintiff is here at the proper date and time."
  
• In Rep. of Bolivia v. Phillip Morris Companies, et al, a tobacco lawsuit inexplicably brought by a South American nation in Brazoria County, Texas, Judge Kent ordered the case transferred to the District of Columbia, noting that "[w]hile this Court does not [after reviewing a somewhat dated globe] profess to understand all of the political subtleties of the geographical transmogrifications ongoing in Eastern Europe, the Court is virtually certain that Bolivia is not within the four counties over which this Court presides, even though the words Brazoria and Bolivia are a lot alike and caused some real, initial confusion until the Court conferred with its law clerks."
  
• In Bradshaw v. Unity Marine Corp., Judge Kent granted one defendant's motion for summary judgment (dismissing the lawsuit before trial), noting the attorneys' general lack of preparedness:

  Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers, who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston, an effort which leads the Court to surmise but one plausible explanation. Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact -- complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words -- to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed. Whatever actually occurred, the Court is now faced with the daunting task of deciphering their submissions. With Big Chief tablet readied, thick black pencil in hand, and a devil-may-care laugh in the face of death, life on the razor's edge sense of exhilaration, the Court begins.

He may turn out to be an unethical sexual harasser, but dangit, he made judicial opinions entertaining. Justice Clarence Thomas can't even do that by accident.

Those neocons and their tiny peckers...

I have this theory about the hubbub surrounding Iranian president Ahmadinejad's visit to the Big Apple--I think the neocons who are chanting the loudest for war with Iran are pants-wettingly terrified of actually facing the man, mano a mano, and having to say directly, out loud, what they think, as well as face the fact that many Iranians had the gall to support us after 9/11 (which undercuts the neocon view of all Iranians as Evil Brown People). It's so much easier to keep him at arm's length and portray him as a cartoon villain, isn't it?

It could be worse...

Et tu, Belgium?

I posted the other day about similarities between Iraq today and Yugoslavia 15 years ago, and how I hope (certainly naively) that Iraq will go the way of Czechoslovakia more than Yugoslavia. The other major split-state crisis in the world, of course, is Israel/Palestine, but now it turns out (h/t Volokh Conspiracy) that another potential separation may occur in Belgium, of all places.

“We are two different nations, an artificial state created as a buffer between big powers, and we have nothing in common except a king, chocolate and beer,” said Filip Dewinter, the leader of Vlaams Belang, or Flemish Bloc, the extreme-right, xenophobic Flemish party, in an interview. “It’s ‘bye-bye, Belgium’ time.”

Radical Flemish separatists like Mr. Dewinter want to slice the country horizontally along ethnic and economic lines: to the north, their beloved Flanders — where Dutch (known locally as Flemish) is spoken and money is increasingly made — and to the south, French-speaking Wallonia, where a kind of provincial snobbery was once polished to a fine sheen and where today old factories dominate the gray landscape.

“There are two extremes, some screaming that Belgium will last forever and others saying that we are standing at the edge of a ravine,” said Caroline Sägesser, a Belgian political analyst at Crisp, a socio-political research organization in Brussels. “I don’t believe Belgium is about to split up right now. But in my lifetime? I’d be surprised if I were to die in Belgium.”

With the headquarters of both NATO and the European Union in Brussels, the crisis is not limited to this country because it could embolden other European separatist movements, among them the Basques, the Lombards and the Catalans.

Since the kingdom of Belgium was created as an obstacle to French expansionism in 1830, it has struggled for cohesion. Anyone who has spoken French in a Flemish city quickly gets a sense of the mutual hostility that is a part of daily life here. The current crisis dates from June 10, when the Flemish Christian Democrats, who demand greater autonomy for Flanders, came in first with one-fifth of the seats in Parliament.

Turns out there are ten languages spoken in Belgium, but the vast majority speak either Dutch or French (slightly more speak Dutch). I'm one of those geeks who finds the Ethnologue fascinating--the USA has 238 languages listed. Not all of those languages are exactly equal: English has 210 million speakers in the U.S., while Eyak apparently has one (who is 89 years old, lives in Alaska, and should probably be writing everything down and/or offering classes--although I wonder if she would have any takers).

Back to my original point, though--the trend in the world for some time has been for distinct ethnic and/or national group to want to form their own countries. It has happened in places like East Timor and the aforementioned Czechoslovakia. There are often rumblings about independence in Quebec and Puerto Rico. It's hard for people born in the U.S. to understand this, I think, because (except perhaps for Minutemen types) the basic idea of being "American" is constantly being redefined. The Flemish people were Flemish long before "Belgium" existed, and the same is true for Kurds and other groups in Iraq and other countries. We are in way over our heads, is all I'm saying.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

I'm not sure I understand why this is even considered news:

Friday, September 21, 2007

MANOR

Kool-Aid causes stir at school

Authorities evaluated 11 Manor Middle School students Thursday after they said the students ingested a mixture of Kool-Aid concentrate, water and sugar.

School and EMS officials initially thought the substance could have contained a prescription drug, but tests later showed that the material contained no drugs, said Warren Hassinger, a spokesman for Austin-Travis County Emergency Medical Services.

Hassinger said paramedics conducted a field test on the substance, which indicated that it contained prescription medication. However, he said, tests by the Department of Public Safety disproved that theory.

None of the students showed symptoms of a drug overdose, but they were taken to Dell Children's Medical Center, Hassinger said. The students were all sixth-grade girls, officials said. School officials called paramedics about 1:30 p.m. after at least one of the students began telling staff members that she and others had eaten the substance.

A quick visit to the Kool-Aid Man's House did not tell me much about the dangers of mixing Kool-Aid mix and sugar, although I did learn that there are many varieties of sugar-free Kool-Aid available. While it has other uses besides drinking and mass murder/suicide, I'm not sure I get what the big deal was. Is there now zero tolerance for sugar? Anyway, here's a Family Guy clip:

Tolkien has nothing on this guy

If I may be permitted to geek out for a moment, I have become a huge fan of George R.R. Martin's series A Song of Ice and Fire. I'm about 2/3 through the second book, A Clash of Kings, which is followed by two more books and will eventually comprise a seven-part series. Time Magazine proclaimed him the "American Tolkien," but I really only give Tolkien credit for creating the genre and archetypes that other authors have put to better use. If you actually try reading The Lord of the Rings, it's not the easiest thing in the world--Tolkien was always more of an academian than an author. In my opinion, it took Peter Jackson to really breathe life into those characters.

A Song of Ice and Fire has its own extensive backstory, along with multiple languages, religions, and ideologies, that, much like Tolkien's work, make you believe there is really a huge body of research behind the novels. The books are much more readable, though, especially considering Martin's background as a screenwriter.

One thing the books really touch on that I like is the "ordinary" people--it's not all about lords and kings and all that. And even when it is, the characters are shown in full, with all their flaws, fears, and bodily functions. I remember reading Frank Herbert's Dune series and wondering, above all else, when his characters ever had time to eat and go to the bathroom. Then again, Martin's books don't have anything as cool as sandworms.

There is now talk of an HBO series based on the books. If cast correctly and given enough time (i.e. several seasons), that could seriously kick ass.

Here are some other scifi/fantasy/historical fiction sagas that I recommend, if you happen to have a lot of time for reading:

• Hyperion, by Dan Simmons
  
• The Camulod Chronicles, by Jack Whyte
  
• Harry Turtledove's alternate history series, where the South wins the Civil War, continuing through to the end of World War II (one plot spoiler: the equivalent of the Battle of Stalingrad is fought in Pittsburgh)
  
• Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars Trilogy (he finds a practical use for buckyballs!!!)
  

I don't bother you at work

Don't make a news correspondent angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

I'd love to see BillO take a taser hit

Bill O'Reilly claims he's been tasered and that that kid in Florida is a "wimp." The search is apparently on for any footage of the tasering of Bill O'Reilly. I say why should we do all the work? If BillO could be tasered once, he could do it again. So bring a cop on your show and show us all how getting tasered is no big deal, Bill. I triple dog dare you...

That would depend on your definition of the word "round" - UPDATED

How many people are actually this dumb? Will there be anyone able to operate the utility grids a generation from now, or will we all be intelligently designed flat-earthers?

UPDATE - Enlightening commentary from Bad Astronomy Blog here and here. It's even worth quoting:

Anyway, when Whoopi Goldberg (who is actually pretty smart) presses her on this, Ms. Shepherd demurs, saying that it’s more important for her to know how to care for her son. This is almost legitimate. Almost. But it misses. If this were a thousand years ago, and she were toiling in a cave someplace with no access to information and spending 20 hours a day trying to keep her family fed, then sure, some knowledge may simply be too esoteric to be useful and, worse, distract from the actual task of survival.

But that isn’t the case. Here we have an actress and singer who is living, if I read my calendar and atlas correctly, in the 21st Century in the United States. Has she never seen a picture of the Earth from space? As it happens, a vast majority of people in the U.S. can hold a job, care for their family, and also know that the Earth is, y’know, round. Some people (though sadly, not enough) also know it takes the Earth a year to go around the Sun, that gravity makes things fall, and that DNA is a big molecule in which genetic information is coded. None of this is needed to feed your family (unless you are a science writer), yet humans are in general capable of handling a vast amount of information not directly pertaining to immediate survival.

Then Amy got the bruise that wouldn't go away

I suppose the Dickwad-in-Chief would tell the family in this AARP-produced video that they don't need health insurance because they could just take their daughter to the ER for leukemia treatment. Bush should be forced to watch this video non-stop for as long as possible--it's an incredibly important message, and it's irritatingly cheesy.



Seriously, what the hell is wrong with us?

Vegetarianism wasn't like this for me

I am not one to naysay the efforts of environmentalists. It probably is the case that the meat industry is doing more environmental damage than we realize. But I was a vegetarian for nearly eight years, from December 1996 until October 2004 (although I reintroduced fish into the diet starting in 2000). Eight years, which is exactly one-fourth of my total life (I'm 32), and it never looked anything like this (h/t to Salon):


Alicia Silverstone’s Sexy Veggie PSA
Order a FREE vegetarian starter kit at GoVeg.com
As I recall it (and I mean no disrespect), most vegetarians don't look much like Ms. Silverstone (who has come a long way since Miss Match, it would seem). A somewhat more accurate (and decidedly NSFW) depiction of naked vegetarians can be found here (vegetarian porn--ah, the things you find with a simple Google search. Seriously, though, NSFW. I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting fired).

Anyway, important environmental message vs. wet, naked Cher Horowitz--where would you expect my attention to be?

Here's something from the glory days:

The gauntlet is down

My views on Elizabeth Kucinich have been challenged yet again, this time in reference to Fred Thompson's wife, Jeri Kehn, seen here:



She certainly is a looker, and I like the way she pisses off Joe Scarborough, but I don't know...

Maybe it's my irrational predilection for redheads, but I still gotta go with Mrs. Kucinich. Here's the other factor: Fred Thompson is a movie star. An old, excessively jowly movie star, but a movie star nonetheless, and chicks dig movie stars. And also musicians. The same can't necessarily be said for politicians.

I also like how Elizabeth Kucinich seems to be freaking out Fox News. Heck, she even has Wonkette a little freaked.

So here's the score as I see it: Tall movie star with hot wife - not sich a big deal. Short, vegan politician polling at around 0% with hot wife - my hero.

Today's soundtrack of shred

Thanks to Litbrit for posting this clip of Joe Satriani's recent performance of Surfing with the Alien. I will be whistling high-quality hair metal all day now, dangit. (Note, however, that he's adopted the bald look.)

After all this time, the man still rocks, I must say.

The unsung hero of the Larry Craig case

I know Larry Craig is probably old news by now, and I've certainly beat the dead horse off...uh...too many puns... Anyway, I hadn't given the matter any further thought, even despite my recent trip through several airports. Today, however, Barbara Ehrenreich raised a point that had not yet occurred to me:

Short of some undisclosed evidence that the 9/11 killers were closeted Wahabist gays, you may wonder, as I do, why - with the "threat level" at an ominous orange - agents of the law are being deployed to detect people of alternative sexualities. Larry Craig was apprehended by a man apparently consigned to spend his entire day on the can, watching for errant fingers. Possibly this fellow has some intestinal issues which made this a necessary posting. But, sphincter control permitting, could he not have been more usefully employed, say, interviewing passengers as to their willingness to blow themselves up to score some theological point?

How long, exactly, did this vice cop spend on that particular can, just waiting for somebody to tap their feet and do something with their fingers? How many superiors did this cop have to piss off to get this duty? And what happens if, say, he spends an entire eight-hour shift sitting in a stall...waiting...waiting...and no one taps their feet or does anything to invite attention--what kind of impact will that have on that officer's self-esteem? I mean, eight hours and nobody wanted to give him a bathroom hummer??? That has to be hurtful on some level, be it professional or personal.

There actually is a more serious point to make here. The "threat level" does seem to still be hovering around orange, meaning that we should all be generically afraid and thank Bush for the safety we have--but given that "high" risk, can we afford to lose even a single law enforcement officer to "stall duty"? Unless, of course, the next terrorist plot is to unleash a mass public fellating in men's rooms everywhere.

Evolution, Simpsons-style!

Suck on this, intelligent design!

There is no country to hold together, really

Out of the ashes of World War I, the victorious Allies threw together an entirely new country, composed of disparate ethnic and national groups, perhaps somewhat linked by language or religion, but lacking any long-standing historical ties to one another. This "country," as it were, had never existed before, nor had these people been expected to live together under a single flag. A strongman dictator held it all together, often through violence and repression and often through sheer force of personality. Eventually, however, the strongman fell, and all the pieces came apart in an explosion of violence that claimed hundreds of thousands of lives while the world looked on.

I'm talking, of course, about the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes, which later came to be known simply as Yugoslavia. The "country" was cobbled together out of pieces of defeated Austria-Hungary and added to Serbia and Montenegro. The strongman I refer to is Josip Broz Tito, who led a partisan rebellion against the Nazis during World War II and then unified the "country" under a communist regime. The only thing "Yugoslavs" had in common was that they all belonged to "Slavic" ethnic groups and occupied a southern area of Europe ("yug" is a common Slavic root meaning "south").

Tito was Yugoslavia's president from 1953 until his death in 1980. He probably was the only force holding the country together, but his belief in a unified Yugoslavia seemed unflappable. Among his famous quotes is the following: "None of our republics would be anything if we weren't all together; but we have to create our own history - history of United Yugoslavia, also in the future."

It would be another 11 years before everything really hit the fan, but a lot happened in preparation for the breakdown. In my humble opinion, blame lies almost exclusively with Slobodan Milošević, who exploited Serb nationalism in his rise to power. Beginning in 1987, when he first played on the fears of the Serb minority in Kosovo, he set the stage for much of the chaos that followed.

The rest of the story is pretty well-known. Beginning in 1991, the pieces began to break off: within a year, Slovenia, Croatia, Macedonia, and Bosnia and Herzgovina declared independence. Serbia and Montenegro stuck together for a while, keeping the name Yugoslavia until 2003, and then finally separating in 2006. The process was painful and nasty, to say the least, and it added new phrases to the global lexicon like "ethnic cleansing." In the end, the world sees that "Yugoslavia" was an artificial construct of Serbs, Croatians, Bosnians, Macedonians, Albanians (in Kosovo and Macedonia), Montenegrins, Slovenians, and Hungarians (in Vojvodina, northern Serbia).

Why do I bring all of this up? Well, after World War I, there was another defeated empire to dissect: the Ottoman Empire. Although it once extended to the outskirts of Vienna and deep into Africa, the Ottoman Empire was pretty much used up by 1918. France and Britain carved up the remnants--one of Britain's spoils was the Mandate of Iraq, which combined three Ottoman provinces (Baghdad, Basra, and Mosul) into a single state. "Iraq" became independent of Britain in 1932 under a British-installed monarchy that lasted until 1958. Then there was a military coup, followed by Saddam Hussein's rise to power and assumption of the presidency in 1979.

I have commented before on the vast array of ethnic identities present in Iraq: Sunni Arab, Shia Arab, predominately Sunni Kurd, Turkomen, Assyrian, Yazidi, and so forth. We have seen what can happen when a haphazard pastiche of ethnic groups are thrown together in a single state, held together by a dictator, and then that dictator leaves the scene one way or another (usually by death, let's face it). Anyone with a shred of intellectual honesty and integrity will agree that Iraq is now in a civil war, one in which "ethnic cleansing" is once again an appropriate term to use. Iraq may still be a state appearing on a map, but it is not a nation.

There may be hope (although I feel like I am only including this final paragraph in order to not be totally depressed): another entirely new country was created after World War I, whose history and ultimate divorce was much less of a blot on history. That country was Czechoslovakia, which peacefully split into its two constituent parts in 1993, in what was called the "Velvet Divorce," named after the country's comparatively peaceful "Velvet Revolution" of 1989.

Iraq already looks a hell of a lot like Yugoslavia. Is there a chance for it to become more like Czechoslovakia? One can hope, but I doubt it. The ultimate breakup of Yugoslavia threatened wider conflagrations, as does the possible breakup of Iraq. Since neither country really existed as a nation to begin with, perhaps there is some sort of inevitability to it. The question then becomes whether we want or need to be in the middle of the mess.

Top 10 places to never, ever go

The 10 most polluted places on Earth have been identified by the U.S.-based Blacksmith Institute (h/t to Truthdig, and these are apparently in no particular order):

• Sumgayit, Azerbaijan; Potentially 275,000 affected
  
• Linfen, China; Potentially 3m affected
  
• Tianying, China; Potentially 140,000 affected
  
• Sukinda, India; Potentially 2.6m affected
  
• Vapi, India; Potentially 71,000 affected
  
• La Oroya, Peru; Potentially 35,000 affected
  
• Dzerzhinsk, Russia; Potentially 300,000 affected
  
• Norilsk, Russia; Potentially 134,000 affected
  
• Chernobyl, Ukraine; Potentially 5.5m affected
  
• Kabwe, Zambia; Potentially 255,000 affected

Of this list, I have previously heard of only one, Chernobyl, and it is hardly surprising that it is still not a good place to summer. Being me, of course, I want to know more. The BBC offered help on the three newest inductees to the list:

Among the new sites listed in 2007 were Tianying in China, where potentially 140,000 people were at risk from lead poisoning from a massive lead production base there.

The report also said that in the Indian town of Sukinda there were 12 mines operating without environmental controls, leaching dangerous chemicals into water supplies.

Sumgayit in Azerbaijan was also included in the report, which said the former Soviet industrial base was polluting the area with industrial chemicals and heavy metals.

According to the report, cancer rates in Sumgayit were as much as 51% higher than the national average and that genetic mutations and birth defects were commonplace.

That still leaves six cities undescribed, so now I turn to Google (I leave assessments of the objectivity and reliability of each account to the discretion of my intrepid readers, although it is clear some of the articles cited below have an axe to grind--which doesn't mean they're wrong).

Linfen, China:

According to China's latest pollution rankings, the country’s most polluted city is now Urumqi. Linfen, the city that formally held this title, is showing some small progress, says a recent article in The Guardian. Swallowed up by 50m tonnes of coal mined each year in the nearby hills of Shanxi province and located smack in the middle of a 12-mile industrial belt, Linfen plains to shutdown 160 of 196 iron foundries, and 57 of 153 coking plants by the end of 2007. In 2006, if you lived in Linfen, you inhaled 163 days of unhealthy air—but that’s a 15 day improvement when compared to 2005.

Vapi, India:

If India's environment is on the whole healthier than its giant neighbor China's, that's because India is developing much more slowly. But that's changing, starting in towns like Vapi, which sits at the southern end of a 400-km-long belt of industrial estates. For the citizens of Vapi, the cost of growth has been severe: levels of mercury in the city's groundwater are reportedly 96 times higher than WHO safety levels, and heavy metals are present in the air and the local produce.

La Oroya, Peru:

The health and environmental crisis in La Oroya, Peru, reached a new stage in December, 2004, when the government stated its intention to allow a metal-processing plant to delay implementation of its environmental management plan for four years.

Owned by the Missouri-based Doe Run Corporation, the plant is largely responsible for the dangerously high blood lead levels found in the children of this community. Ninety-nine percent of children living in and around La Oroya have blood lead levels that exceed acceptable amounts, according to studies carried out by the Director General of Environmental Health in Peru in 1999. Lead poisoning is known to be particularly harmful to the mental development of children.

Dzerzhinsk, Russia:

A once-secret manufacturing center of the Soviet Union's defense industry, Dzerzhinsk (population 300,000) has hosted many chemical factories, including production facilities for Sarin and VX nerve gas. Lead additives for gasoline, mustard gas, munitions, and other highly-polluting products have also had their birth in this city. While many of these factories are now shuttered, the chemical industry still employs over a quarter of local residents.

The groundwater and soil around the city, about 250 miles east of Moscow, remain severely polluted with phenol, arsenic, dioxins, heavy metals, and a host of other toxins. Indeed, a dominant ecological landmark in the area is the “White Sea”, a 100-acre-wide lake of toxic sludge discharged from nearby factories.

Clearly, Dzerzhinsk faces huge challenges in managing this legacy of toxic wastes. It holds the ignominious title of "The Most Chemically Polluted Town" in the world. Greenpeace claims that the average life expectancy of city residents may have shrunk to a mere 45 years. The city's annual death rate, 17 per 1,000 people, is much higher than Russia's national average of 14 per 1,000. And, according to researchers at the Nizhny Novgorod Research Institute of Hygene and Occupational Pathology, rates of reproductive health disturbances affecting women and fetuses, as well as rates of respiratory and pulmonary diseases in children, are dangerously high. In study after study, the health impacts of these chemicals continue to dampen enthusiasm and drain resources needed for economic and social recovery in Dzerzhinsk.

Norilsk, Russia:

Norilsk sits on a landscape stripped bare, its grizzled inhabitants choking on fumes not yet named in the periodic table of elements. For 100 miles in each direction a dead zone permiates, the snow is colored yellow, a putrid mix of mercury, cyanide, cobolt, and question marks. Seeds which blow in from greener pastures die on impact, with a rare few managing to sprout an inch, before turning gray and melting into dust.

Russians have toiled, eaten each other, and died here long before Soylant Green was filmed. Human bodies and their corresponding memories, hopes, and dreams are turned to nickel, melted down and sold for comforts of the West. A Russian expression goes like this: "The sooner you are imprisoned, the sooner you'll get out".

The road to Norilsk is no longer an involuntary one. Every slave of the smelter has a choice, work for $100 a month in your home city, or trek north for a salary of $600. The tradeoff is a life expectancy of 40 years. Weeds do not grow in Norilsk, but cancerous nodules do.

Kabwe, Zambia:

Kabwe, the second largest city in Zambia, has found itself on the top-ten of a new list of "the world's worst polluted places" due to very high lead concentrations left over from previous mining operations. Average blood levels of lead among children in some townships are five to ten times the level considered dangerous.

Kabwe is one of six towns situated around the Copperbelt, once Zambia's thriving industrial base. In 1902, rich deposits of lead were discovered here, leading to a century-long mining operation that never bothered too much about environmental standards and public health.

I suppose it's some small relief for me personally that my six years spent in Houston were not as damaging as they might have been.

Mostly, though, it sounds like these countries, Russia especially, need more hippies.

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

No idea where this originally came from, but it's worth sharing:

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please tip your waitress.

More troll mockery

I'm intrigued at the way my May 5, 2007 post on the hotness that is Elizabeth Kucinich is still generating idiotic comments. I have already dealt with one fool. Today we have jared, who at the moment hasn't made his profile public (wuss), who had the following to say:

If you are going to base your vote on looks,please STAY THE FUCK HOME!!!!You are a child.

Thank you for the input. I would like to direct you to a new vocabulary word: sarcasm. First of all, I'm not advocating a vote based on looks--it's a vote based on the candidate's spouse's looks. That's completely different. Second, I don't actually mean that. Third, how is voting for someone because his wife is a hot 30 year-old redhead any dumber than voting for the guy you'd most like to have a beer with? (How'd that work out, by the way?) Fourth (and final), it's called a space bar, jared. Try it out.

P.S. - Thanks to Kevin Simms (no link--'sup with that?), who helped heap the scorn on Simon Studio for comparing Dennis Kucinich to a Nazi. As noted, I've dealth with Mr. Studio in the past.

P.P.S. - Once again, trolls be warned: I don't like inane comments, I am reasonably skilled in the art of argument, and I periodically have time on my hands. Your jabs will not go unmocked.

P.P.P.S. - Wow, look at all these P's.