Now for some really important news

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for, you know, pretty much giving the finger to our entire system of justice. Insert your own "Caged Heat"-style fantasy here.

This was my favorite part:

Kathy Hilton, red in the face, then walked up to one of the prosecutors and screamed, "You're pathetic." She then asked sarcastically, "Can I have your autograph?"

The prosecutor to whom Hilton had delivered her outburst completely ignored her, said Edwards.

About half a dozen sheriffs' deputies then approached Kathy Hilton, who screamed at them, "Don't you touch me, don't you touch me."

As the family was about to exit the courtroom, said Edwards, Kathy Hilton declared for all to hear, "[The judge] made up his mind before he even came in today. If it were anyone else, this would've never had happened."

She then exclaimed, "And after all the money we spent!"

In other unintentionally funny news, Jessica Biel doesn't like being called the Sexiest Woman Alive:

Biel, who was named Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive" in 2005, says in the June issue of Elle that the honor hurt her career.

"[One director told me,] 'I'm not looking for the sexiest woman; I'm looking for the girl next door,' " says Biel.

The funny part? The magazine where this quote appears has this cover:

Far be it for me to discourage Ms. Biel from such displays--after all, I only watched Stealth because of this:
Otherwise, the movie was pond scum.

Here's some gratuitous Biel (NSFW):
From The Rules of Attraction:
I have no idea why this one is in German:
Okay, last one, I promise: