Classic joke of the day

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.

"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"

Watson thinks for a moment, "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does that tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

h/t Mitch Ditkoff

Monday morning geek-out

Star Wars and cockatiels (h/t io9):

Never get into life-threatening danger in front of a geek

Especially a Star Wars geek:

Voiceover fun

Presented for no reason whatsoever:

Beer and LEGO

The Beer Song, as performed by LEGO figures that look a little like a cross between hobbits and the Village People:

In support of redhead nudity

Me and my dang fetish.


FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan

Must be somewhere between Georgia and Azerbaijan

Weirdest thing I've seen all week (h/t to Jesus' General):

24, '94-style

Volokh Conspiracy has the scoop on the original pilot for "24", dating back to 1994, when AOL ruled the 'net and savvy government agents carried pagers.

Classic animation remembered

A few of my favorites from Liquid Television on MTV back in the day.

1. Never sing with a baby dragon:



2. Never underestimate the power of laughter:

Wish I'd thought of this

This was a great little distraction from packing for the big move. It combines several of my favorite things in the world: skewering hallowed traditions, bad white man dancing, and breasts.



Of course, even if I had thought of this, I'm not married and not in any danger of getting married soon. In all likelihood, by the time I do get married (if, perhaps), the Zeitgeist will have long since moved on from this (still, it's got almost 5 million hits as of posting time).

Lost in a hedge maze

My worst fear, played out on video:


Crave Online: Funny Videos, Sexy Videos, Music Videos, Movie Trailers, and More!

I like Will Ferrell's version better

Neil Diamond has finally revealed the subject of his song "Sweet Caroline."

It's this chick.

Honestly, I prefer this version of the story:



As long as we're talking about Neil, here's the only part of Saving Silverman that was at all clever:



Diamonds in the Rough rule.

When insults had class

Copied wholesale from an e-mail forward. I'm not sure that some of these quotes are correctly attributed, but I'm too lazy to do the research right now.

-----------------------

When insults had class.

These insults are mostly from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E.
Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

More cuteness

Couldn't resist sharing:

Take that, Vegemite!

And to think this was made by people trying to sell this product!

Chest Cushion - Spew Tastic

See more like this on kontraband.com

If you've ever tried this or Vegemite, you'll understand. Sorry, Australia, your food sucks (although Marmite is actually British--it still sucks).

Worst apology ever

I don't know what the hell this is or where it came from, but frathole apologies are hilarious.

Best Chick Apology Ever

See more like this on kontraband.com

Amusing impropriety

Carshow Prevert

See more like this on kontraband.com

Say it ain't so, Judge Kent!

I am troubled to hear of the various calls for the investigation and impeachment of Judge Sam Kent, a federal district judge sitting in Galveston, Texas. Not out of any particular affection for the man himself, as we have never met. Nor is it out of any particular interest in the rights of alleged sexual harrassers, although I am reserving judgment until I read more about what allegedly occurred. Rather, I will miss the opportunity to read some of the snarkiest, most inappropriately sarcastic rulings and opinions in the history of the federal court system. First off, the allegations: the Fifth Circuit has already issued a reprimand:

The reprimand against Kent says a court employee complained in May of sexual harassment and that an investigation led to other, unspecified complaints. The order issued last Friday didn’t say whether the 19 judges on the council determined the complaints to be true.

The list of ethical complaints beyond the harrassment is, uh, long.

If even a fraction of these are true, then investigation and possible impeachment are certainly appropriate. I merely want to take a moment to salute the man who singlehandedly, and quite facetiously, made the federal judiciary fun.

I now present Kent's greatest hits, as I see them.

• In Smith v. Colonial Penn Ins. Co., Kent denied the insurance company's motion to transfer venue to Houston because of Galveston's lack of a major airport (and citing the convenience of both plaintiff and defendant in its motion), stating that "it is not this Court's concern how the Plaintiff gets here, whether it be by plane, train, automobile, horseback, foot, or on the back of a huge Texas jackrabbit, as long as Plaintiff is here at the proper date and time."
  
• In Rep. of Bolivia v. Phillip Morris Companies, et al, a tobacco lawsuit inexplicably brought by a South American nation in Brazoria County, Texas, Judge Kent ordered the case transferred to the District of Columbia, noting that "[w]hile this Court does not [after reviewing a somewhat dated globe] profess to understand all of the political subtleties of the geographical transmogrifications ongoing in Eastern Europe, the Court is virtually certain that Bolivia is not within the four counties over which this Court presides, even though the words Brazoria and Bolivia are a lot alike and caused some real, initial confusion until the Court conferred with its law clerks."
  
• In Bradshaw v. Unity Marine Corp., Judge Kent granted one defendant's motion for summary judgment (dismissing the lawsuit before trial), noting the attorneys' general lack of preparedness:

  Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers, who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston, an effort which leads the Court to surmise but one plausible explanation. Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact -- complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words -- to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed. Whatever actually occurred, the Court is now faced with the daunting task of deciphering their submissions. With Big Chief tablet readied, thick black pencil in hand, and a devil-may-care laugh in the face of death, life on the razor's edge sense of exhilaration, the Court begins.

He may turn out to be an unethical sexual harasser, but dangit, he made judicial opinions entertaining. Justice Clarence Thomas can't even do that by accident.

It could be worse...

I don't bother you at work

Don't make a news correspondent angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.